Each year, four chicks trek to LA. It’s been going on for years. The Goddess, River Rafter Girl, Sweetest G and myself soak up the less intense California sun, check out Groundlings and celebrate the birthday of The Goddess’ granddog, Lola. Oh, and cocktails are involved.
The weekend in June is also the annual trek to a Lisa Vanderpump restaurant to pray for a sighting. We send Middle Chicken a photo outside of Pump. She responds, “Your yearly pilgrimage to Mecca has commenced.”
For two years, it was SUR and no LVP. Two years ago, Pump stole our hearts with its garden beauty. Last year, we were benched due to cancer and this year, we venture back to Pump to cocktail in the sexiest foliage in West Hollywood.
WeHo Niece and her sweet beau, Pittsburgh Fanboy, join us. I face Fanboy. Mid conversation he looks past my right shoulder and points. “Turn around,” says he. I swivel to find little Giggy in my site line. My heart beats faster. Giggy, in the arms of Ken, elicits a squee from the girls. Except for The Goddess who deadpans, “That must be her.”
To Ken’s right, a heavenly spotlight alighting her exquisite beauty, is Lisa. Yes, Lisa Vanderpump within arms reach. For a split second I am rooted to my chair. The next I am shaking Ken’s hand and petting Giggy. He is in a purple suit and tie, adorable as ever—Giggy, not Ken. Although Ken’s cute too.
WeHo Niece says something to Lisa and I butt right in. “I just love you,” I gush, all teenage fandom. “Thank you so much,” says the English fair maiden.
“And I think what those girls did to you last season was simply shameful.” My mouth has a life all its own. Ken and Giggy step to the side and Lisa takes my hand. I look down and notice the appendage at the end of my arm. It appears mitt-sized in her perfectly polished digits—a dark pink which my nails will sport come next manicure. I also spy the wedding ring with its stone the size of Rhode Island.
“Tell me you were on my side,” she says, soft-spoken British accent lilting through the air.
“Oh, one hundred percent.” I smile and nod like a bobble head doll. I am a caricature of scary fan and she is old Hollywood. I may as well have had curlers in my hair and spinach in my teeth, my great bulbous head and me. Check the photo—it’s true. Giant head. I’m babbling, brash and high pitched, voice raising an octave with each sentence. She speaks with perfect British pitch and inflection.
“May I tell you about my charity?” she asks, still holding my massive paw in her tiny hand. Um, of course. My new bestie evidently doesn’t realize she can tell me anything. She asks me to listen to Leona Lewis on You Tube. The pair, along with Diane Warren, created a song called “Home” to bring attention to the Yulin Dog Festival, a macabre gathering in China where stolen and abused dogs are sold as food. I’ve just petted little Giggy’s head and am sickened at the thought of his tiny body as snack food.
She asks us to go to the video to show our support. The dark haired man-child in a navy suit to her right makes a snarky comment toward my niece, clearly annoyed the riffraff is bothering his sovereign. My first instinct is to ask if he knows who I am but since the answer is “no one,” I instead use my Cotillion manners to shoot him a withering glance. He pipes down.
The picture is here as proof of the encounter. It also offers evidence of my Great Pumpkin sized head and dry skin next to her creamy English perfection. Can a person’s head get any larger? Can a woman’s face crevices be more deeply etched? Fortunately I arrive back in The Dale early enough to purchase new exfoliant and night cream as well as primer to correct the egregious error.
I promise the Queen of Beverly Hills I will help spread the word. Information can be had at http://www.vanderpumpdogs.com and http://www.StopYulinForever.com. The song and the movement are dedicated to keeping dogs from being sold in the market and eaten by people. Watching the video will sicken you. If not, you have no heart. Dogs are stuffed into crates, abused and sometimes stolen from families. In 2015, twenty percent fewer dogs were killed than the year before.
Visit You Tube here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lp1cmNW7SbE and help end dog abuse forever. Be a part of the solution. Witness for your self that Vanderpump does indeed rule.