The King of All Things…

Tiger King. Even those with superior Netflix skills, who believe we’ve seen everything, were unprepared.

Lovers of documentaries? There is none better. Dolls with a love for murder mystery? Check, check and check.

Even Oldest Chicken, who believes nothing and takes skepticism to a new level, sent a simple text. “That chick totally fed her husband to a tiger.”

Baffled? Get yourself on Netflix now. Tiger King will not only make you happy to be quarantined, it will absolve you of all sin real or imagined. Consider this

If you’ve never…

Married two men at once,

Filmed 7 episodes of a documentary shirtless,

Said, “Hello all you cool cats and kittens,”

Spent millions on lawsuits alleging tiger abuse while riding your bike through miles of cages on your own property,

Calmly said to a room full of people, “We’ve had a tiger pull a person’s arm off so if you’d like a refund I get it,”

Sat on a throne in the middle of your workplace,

Fed your husband to a tiger or buried him in the well,

Convinced young girls to give up their worldly goods to be one of your wives, using tigers to do your bidding,

Donned a skin suit to look like a tiger,

Then you don’t belong in the world of Joe Exotic. Make the sign of the cross now.

It’s not all gasping and eye-popping. Well, yeah, it is, but it’s also a learning experience. For instance, did you know

That people who live with tigers grow their hair to waist level?

That you can dig through dumpsters behind Walmart and feed expired meat to your pets? And make sausage for pizza?

That people with more money than sense buy animals that can kill them? Crazy cat lady is real?

That Oklahoma may never recover from the embarrassment? You expect that shit in Florida.

That you can blow up alligators and nobody cares?

That a liger is a real thing?

That Shaquille O’Neill loves white tigers?

That you’ll have to look up a “prince albert” in Urban Dictionary. There will be more questions when you find out.

That you can be hired to murder someone and decide part way through to get drunk and then it really doesn’t count? Oh, and you can keep the money.

That people who actually sit on the bat shit side of the fence have no idea they’re over there?

That you’ll walk away believing there are more criminals that not?

That you’ll never again complain about your husband’s haircut?

That normal isn’t really so boring?

And, finally, if you wear a ring of flowers on your head, people will believe you killed your husband.

It always comes back to fashion Dolls. Always.