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Corona Lessons…

Admit you’ve learned some things during this national stay-at-home exercise.

You probably know more about your spouse than you thought possible, non? The sweetest of Duchess Dolls recently asked if anyone had a voodoo doll.

Those living solo are faced with the dreaded self reflection given the silence. Generally, we get up before the sun, go to work, come home and have little time for anything other than Real Housewives. Now we’re wandering, pajama-clad and aimless. Thinking. Pondering our decor. And pulling cats out from under the bed for a snuggle.

Silence has provided self-discovery. Not that we asked.

A month ago, I would categorize myself more homebody than girl on the town. I’m a hoot once you get me out but getting me out can be a challenge. Netflix was invented for girls like me. Now, stuck at home, what I wouldn’t give for company other than a skittish tabby who talks back but doesn’t know any good gossip.

I look forward to daily walks to the mailbox. The Dolls know how I feel about exercise. This is more than my heart gets in a week. The mail is usually obtained around seven at night when I pull into the neighborhood and park a few steps from the box. Now I venture out with Jackie O’s and flat shoes. And pray no one recognizes me out of uniform.

Lessons are bountiful.

You can do your own hair. Goddess Vanessa, Princess of Perfect Blowouts, will never be out of a job but for now, I can actually manage shampoo and a blow dryer. Although I did burn my neck with the straightener. Pfft.

Unless you are some magical nymph sent from on high, you cannot do your own nails. The mess under there is not for the faint of heart. One doll reports that even four coats does little to cover the demolition. Riddle me this. What sketchy shit would you do for a pedicure about now?

The novelty of wearing no makeup is short lived. Not that I’d know. I never take the chance of revealing the pallor that is my undertone. Zoom happy hour is scheduled for later today–a touch up will be in order.

You will get tired of sitting on the couch, And so will your couch. You can tell by the indentations and misshapen cushions. You can also measure weight gain by calculating depth and width.

Netflix and Hulu should be named essential services and have fees waived. Amazon not so much. The only good stuff on there isn’t included in the original price. Take the hint Amazon Prime.

The toilet paper search continues. Those who grabbed up more than your share at the beginning have made it impossible for sensible sorts to find any now. Shame on you. Hopefully, it’s just the beginning of your hoarding ways and we’ll see you featured prominently, grown children in the background crying, “I don’t know how it got this far.” Bonjour Karma.

Final lesson: We so crave the company of others, we are drinking via video. Remember that the next time you decline happy hour. Or Mexican food. Or visiting Gramma. Or hopping a plane to see far away chickens. Or have no reason to don pearls, heels and your favorite sheath dress. Wait, that’ll never happen. It’s what to wear to Zoom Happy Hour.


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