beauty, Business, Culture, Entertainment, Humor, Lifestyle, Snark, Sports, television, Top-Blogs, US

Things We Do In Private…

Yet another thing bored feminists are up in arms about. Pfft. Call it Dorito-Gate. Yes, it’s ridiculous. Yes, it’s stupid. Yes, it’s a marketing gimmick aimed to stir the waters. But is it a reason for twisted panties? Please.

Not in the know? What do you mean–your life has deep meaning or you’re solving real problems or you have a job that makes a difference out in the world? Well, girlfriend, you missed the biggest news to hit little old Earth in quite a while. Doritos is considering creating chips for chicks. Evidently, we’re not into crunching and dirty fingers.

As a chick that’s guilty on both counts, I have a problem. Unless a Nacho Cheese Dorito makes a big crunch, how do I know it’s fresh? And if there’s no nacho cheese dust on my fingers, how will I know I’ve actually got my hands on the real deal? Everyone knows a Nacho Cheese Dorito is a near perfect food. What not everyone knows–chicks don’t eat them in public not because of the dust or the crunch but because of dragon breath. Duh.

I don’t know The Norwegian ever saw this girl shovel Dorito after Dorito down my gullet, ‘cuz I mostly ate them watching Oprah or paired with a giant sub–yet another thing chicks don’t eat, right? Weird things happen to those of us raised by dads and only brothers.

So the president of Doritos, or parent company PepsiCo, announces that Doritos are coming out smaller, less crunchy and easier to eat. Oh, and small enough to fit in a handbag. Girlfriend–I could get the regular size in my handbag. The announcement came out and feminists lost their minds on twitter. They’re glad they marched so women could have girly snacks. They burned their bras for this? Silly girls, everybody needs a good bra.

Here’s the complete story:

Ladies, ladies, ladies. We’re dealing with a conglomerate that makes a drink for humans that can eliminate years- old stains from a toilet bowl. Do you really think this is a serious threat to anything we hold dear? From where I sit, seems there’s only one thing to do.

Grab a big bag of Nacho Cheese Doritos, slide on a pair of sweats, turn on some Netflix and start scarfing down those triangles of goodness. Turn up the volume, you know, ‘cuz of the crunch. The chick who is the president of PepsiCo thinks we haven’t already worked out all the glitches? There’s the threat to feminism.

The rest of us have always been able to figure out the fastest, easiest, most efficient way to get what we want–be it a promotion, a great pair of pumps or eating whatever the hell we want. Because we’ve had to. Why do you think Haagen Dazs makes little round containers and not square half gallons? They talked to a chick and found out what a real serving size looks like and made a Netflix friendly container. That company’s run by a feminist–one that’s got better shit to do but hunt for slights around every corner.

Lift your triangles of dragon breath goodness Dolls. Lift them high. Eat them early and often. But if you come sit next to me, brush your teeth first.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s