It’s that time of year…romance time. Reminders that Valentines Day is twelve days away leave one struck by the notion of romance. The Norwegian was the romantic in our house. Flowers every Friday, rented restaurant to propose, notes, cards. Me? I’m here aren’t I? Not that bad, but not that good either.
I turn to Buzzfeed for answers, as often is the case. Their offering? How Romantic Are You Compared To Everyone Else? I can guess but let’s give it a try. The answers are simple yes or no as to whether these things are romantic.
Public proposals? Nope, nope, nope. She says no and your psyche is damaged forever. Don’t take the chance. Survey says: 57 percent say no. That leaves a lot of people who want to see a guy on bended knee at a baseball game. What girl wants to say yes in her casual clothes?
Feeding each other. Please no. Especially not in public. Neither you, nor I, are babies. We mastered fork use long ago. Feed me–I’ll bite you and walk away. Survey: 79 percent agree. Whew.
Kissing in the rain? Aaaah, The Notebook. Best scene ever. But it’s a movie. In order for this girl to be kissing in a downpour, I’d have to actually be out in the rain which never happens so there’s that. Hair, makeup, lipstick, wet clothes and ruined pumps. Thank you-no. Kiss me outside when it’s about 80-90 degrees, my hair is perfect and we can go shopping after. Survey says? I’m the loser. Seventy-seven percent say this is romantic. Same girls who walk barefoot, have straight hair and will jump on the back of motorcycles. Pfft.
Another fail? Ice skating. Seventy-three percent think ice skating is romantic. These are people who live in areas with fake ice when it’s seventy degrees. They are not midwesterners who know of the layers, triple socks, insulated gloves, hair-smushing hats and chap stick actually required to skate outside. Not to mention the wad of Kleenex in your pocket ‘cuz your nose runs the whole time. Sure, he’s gonna go in for the public kiss when your face is covered in snot. That’s gonna happen.
On the other hand, candlelit dinners (where we all look smashing dahling), flowers and notes around the house are in the eightieth percentile on the romantic scale. If you don’t like that shit, your heart is indeed a solid block of ice. Even I enjoy dinner with candles, wine and blue eyes across the table. Of course my hair is done. I’m wearing lipstick and it’s not raining outside.
The biggest no-no on the list? Matching outfits. There you go prepsters. On the no no list. It should be the over my dead body list.
So, as the big day approaches remember: Do not propose in public. Do not feed each other. No heart shaped jewelry. Take your chances with snot nose if you insist on ice skating and whatever you do, don’t wear matching outfits. Just don’t.
Take her to dinner, or cook it yourself. Light some candles–a few–don’t create a seance. Give her a single beautiful flower and kiss her under an umbrella. That’s how you kiss in the rain.
Unless you’re Ryan Gosling. Then all bets are off.