And More Advice…

9:17 PM

And advice from yesterday regarding romance and sex continues. No wonder there was a revolution, sexual and otherwise.

Tip Six: Reading romance novels is very dangerous for your private parts. Whaaa? From What A Young Woman Ought To duchess sexKnow, 1913. “It is not that novel reading engenders false and unreal ideas of life, but the descriptions of love scenes, of thrilling, romantic episodes, find an echo in the girl’s physical system and tend to create an abnormal excitement of her organs of sex.” Are you kidding me? Are you trying to say that girls like it too? Now, you’ve gone too far.

Tip Seven: Ladies when you’re on your period, do not ride in an automobile. Serious. “The womb is congested during the period, is larger and heavier than normal. Automobile riding and railroad and carriage traveling prove injurious in some instances, greatly increasing the flow of blood.” This from Woman and Her Sex and Love Life, 1917. Next thing you know, we’ll be getting all excited riding horseback as well. Maybe we should just stay home with wine and Good Wife reruns. Pfft.

Tip Eight: Real boys wait. “When a boy waits for sex, he’ll be ready with a big splendid manhood to offer in return for the devotion and companionship of a splendid girl.” No lie. Someone committed this thought to paper. His name? Frank H Chelney. Marked Trails for Boys is the book and the year, 1931. Does that mean if he doesn’t wait it’s gonna be small and non-splendid? I’m out.

Tip Nine: But not if they get dangerously turned on. Helen Help Us tells us in 1970, “You can’t turn a boy on and expect him not to catch on fire.” Fire or not, we’re gonna hold out for the big, splendid manhood.

And, finally, from Ann Landers in 1963. “You wouldn’t take a diamond and platinum brooch to pry open a jar of pickles with it, would you? Using sex in the wrong way adds up to the same thing.” While I’d never open a jar of pickles with a diamond and platinum brooch, I would accept one for job well done. And you?

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