So Sorority Sister sends this little gem via facebook. 10 Hilariously Bad Pieces of Retro Sex Advice for Teens. The post is replete with advice and photos from books and experts circa 1800s to the 1950s. Too funny not to share. And snark.
Tip One: Girls find making out boring but they’ll do it to please boys. ‘Cuz, you know, his pleasure is our number one goal. Read the quote: “Most girls do not care for the experience, but some of them are willing to submit to it because they believe it’s part of the price they have to pay for the privilege of being taken out by such a wonderful hunk of man as you happen to be.” Courtesy of Bert Y. Glassberg in 1958. Poor boy. Only a few explanations for Bert’s misguided belief: Burt’s breath, BO or his technique. Bert, no doubt, also believes the best foreplay is, “Brace yourself dear.”
Tip Two: Keep your mind virginal. From “What A Man Ought to Know,” printed in 1897. “Not only is the mind to be kept pure, but the imagination must be carefully guarded. Turn away from obscene pictures as you would from the most loathsome contagion.” If you don’t, we could end up with mothers posing naked, slathered in oil, balancing champagnes glasses on their hindquarters. Oops.
Tip Three: Girls Who Hold Hands Are Easy. “No hand holding during the movie even if he insists and you’d like to. It may be a test to see whether you’re an easy mark.” Date Data 1954. Also, no behind the bleachers trips. No drive-ins and unchaperoned cavorting. This explains all those quickie weddings so popular in the fifties. It was the hand holding.
Tip Four, and a personal favorite. Housework will save you from sexual promiscuity. “Housework, particularly floor scrubbing, is not only great for the female figure, but it’s good for the soul. It will help take the edge off your sexual appetite.” Damn right it will. If I’m on my knees, and it’s to scrub floors, this relationship is over. Sadly, this comes from Ann Landers Talks to Teens about Sex in 1963.
Tip Five: If you kiss too well, you’ll seem too experienced. “A kiss shouldn’t make a promise a girl doesn’t plan to keep, and if it’s lacking in technique so much the better, As I’ve said before, a kiss is like a salesman’s’ spiel: If it’s too perfect, you suspect he’s had so much practice he couldn’t possibly be sincere.” Helen Help Us by Helen Bottel in 1970. Let’s help Helen out a bit. Our kisses can mean whatever the hell we want them to. If our promises are misconstrued, that’s on him. Go take a cold shower doll.
There’s more. I know right? Advice on riding in cars during that time of the month and what romance novels can do to your private parts. Stay tuned…