Asshat #1

Grappled quite a bit with whether to actually feature, “Asshat of the Week.” Seems it could easily make the leap from funny to mean spirited. Then a story floated across my desk yesterday. It’s a head scratcher of the highest order.

Seems a woman in Tennessee is blowing up social media with her actions. I won’t take a hit at the South, as are so many. Having a child at Bama—Roll Tide—and having been there, I know the South is no more filled with toothless, brainless backwoods kin than anywhere else in America. That includes you snotty city in the East. Look around. Part of embracing our freedom is embracing our crazy. Until it takes a step outside and lifts its skirt to show the world it’s not wearing panties.

A picture tells a thousand words. My mother part got growly angry and outraged. My social side pondered the sad possibility that a mother of two could be so woefully misinformed. Then the funny bubbled up and all that remains is “asshat.”

What did she do? Tennessee girl damaged her state’s reputation by tying her one-month-old newborn to the train of her wedding dress and dragging her up the aisle. Go ahead. Scratch your head. I could hardly wrap my brain round it until I saw the photo. The infant is, in fact, tied to her flounce-layered dress and being dragged along kind of sideways—the way you might put a rug under a heavy piece of furniture to move it ‘cuz you can’t do it on your own?

In her defense, Mother of the Year says her child was “awake and well-secured.” She also notes the she was “covered by Christ,” whatever the hell that means.

She was awake because she was scared shitless. The tiny newborn was overheard saying, “Whoa. Wait a minute. Someone? I’m moving. I’m on the floor of a foreign place. This is not my bouncy seat. Someone?”  Anyone who’s had a newborn knows the startle reflex—this child’s was on warp speed as she slid up the aisle on her back with flounce in her face. Hopefully, the carpet was clean and there was nothing to impede her journey.

Covered by Christ? Oh girlfriend, that baby was not covered by Christ. She was covered by ruffles you claim were fashioned by Miss Vera. Oops. The Divine Miss Vera is having none of this nonsense. Faster than you can say cheers, Vera let the world know the dress was not one of hers. She also made sure everyone within shouting distance knows Vera gowns will never include baby envelopes.

And then there is the photo. Take a close look. Say a prayer little one is okay. But take a peek at the audience members, especially the guy on the right looking down at the baby. Look closely at his lips. You know he’s murmuring “asshat” under his breath.