We Need A Guide For This?

Over morning coffee this gem presented itself, “A Guide to Growing Out Your Pubic Hair.” Truth. I know, I shook my head too. There is an urge to pick a stray hair from my mouth and I gag a little. But my general thought is this. Are there women who really need a guide?

Grow it. Don’t grow it. Wax it. Trim it. Keep some of it. Keep all of it. Rid your lady bits of any evidence. I do not care what you do with yours. The writer of the article evidently thought this important knowledge to disseminate. Mind you, this person writes for a national publication and I languish in book quagmire. Pfft.

Seems a while back Gwyneth Paltrow, bastion of narcissism and TMI, shared that her bush was on full view at a movie premiere due to thinness of dress and lack of panties. This sparked her to further disclose that she sports a 70’s style vajayjay. I’m sorry dear, did we ask? One more thing–did you not glance into one of those magical looking glasses that reflect your image back at you before you left to waltz before national television and worldwide paparazzi?

Evidently this brought on a spike in grow out across the United States. The author claims there are those walking amongst us who have never sported a natural nest–that, “as soon as we spotted hair, we removed it.” What? Who is your mother? So, she’s performing a service of sorts. A Guide to Grow Out.

Included are such important tips as, “Wear cotton panties because of infection.” You’ve been skulking about hairless and now you are concerned about infection–hmmm. Don’t wear a thong because you might get poked. Again, having experienced both lady bit styles, I can’t recall pokage of any kind. She adds you might want to condition your nether tresses but not with regular conditioner. Use coconut oil to control those pesky locks.

She advises not to forgo maintenance all together. Because, of course, girls who were previously hairless are now looking to sport bikinis with tufts sprouting above the top and at both leg openings. Asshat. She also notes that if one is inclined to use hair color, it should be for that region and not Miss Clairol for Resistant Grays.

Take it from a mother who also happens to be an old lady. Nobody gives a damn what you do with your girly bits. Just wear pretty panties with matching bras in honor of your mother and bathe daily. Rocket science this is not.

 

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