You Knew It Would Be Funny…

You knew the day would come and it would be hilarious, did you not? I meet an opposite sex person for coffee. And it’s not business. How did it go? The baby toe that went in came right back out; as if stung by jellyfish. What I did walk away with? Advice for the gentlemen.

To the gents looking for love. Or like. Or friendship. Or something else. Perhaps a rule or few, for swimming through the sea of lovelies. Grasp your pearls, girls, it’s a bumpy ride.

Number One: Don’t be married. Whaaaaa? I know, right? You need someone to point this out? Don’t tell us of your wife and her faults. You’re not misunderstood. You are a cad. Those of us who are worth it are never backup singers. Pfft.

Number Two: Put your best game forward. Generally, that’s no game. If you tell me my arms are like those of a twelve-year-old, I search the room for a police officer just in case you’re a predator. I get the compliment. I’ve got good arms–which I don’t. I should have just lifted them and let the wagging flab hit you head on. Arms of a twelve-year-old? Not only are those arms tiny, bony and flab free, they belong to a baby. Shame on you.

Number Three: When you are 15 years my senior, do not, I repeat do not, say we are in the same age group. At 15 years your junior, and at my age, I am the prize. I’m still walker free and have all my teeth. Ditto on telling me how much you work out. No matter. I know what gravity has done to this old broad. I can only imagine the havoc it will wreak in the next fifteen. Surprise for this girl? I find it more insulting he puts us in the same age category than that his search for a side piece includes moi. Values, amiright?

Number Four: Don’t tell me about your intimate life. This includes imagined prowess and length of time between acts. Perhaps the wife isn’t putting out because she’s a little freaked you like the arms of twelve-year-olds.

Number Five: When you say I’m so cute you want to carry me around in your pocket then open your jacket, thoughts race to that time Prince Charles, asshat extraordinaire, still married to our beloved Diana, claimed he wanted to crawl inside lover Camilla’s trousers and stay for a bit. Headlines screamed, “Charles wants to be a tampon.” Besides a pocket is far too small for all this fabulous.

And, finally, Suggestion Number Six: When you’ve been rebuffed don’t call and text every day. No lunch for this girl. I have to get to the gym and build my arms to twenty-year-old status. Just kidding–I’m not going to the gym. I could give a damn.

Did I learn anything? Boys are like diamonds. You have to check the C’s: character, charm, conceit, captivation, cageyness, chivalry, classic, civilized, cocky, clean, compassionate, capable, comfortable, cantankerous, carnal, compelling, caustic, callous and caffeinated.

Any questions?