Cat Days of Summer…

It may be the dog days of summer but it’s cats trending on Twitter. #ifcatsdidntexist is filled with tweets of cats doing cat stuff. What catches the eye is this thought: “Without cats, crazy cat ladies would just be crazy ladies.”

So where would all that crazy go? Perhaps we’d become sad and listless flailing about in house dresses with curlers in our hair, nary a pump or pearl in sight. Might we be found wandering the neighborhood in our slippers, a bottle of Grey Goose precariously in our grip?

Thankfully, in the Creator’s wisdom, cats are amongst the fur balls to make it aboard The Ark. But it did get us wondering, “What if cats didn’t exist?”

There would be no paws reaching under closed bathroom doors.

There would be no white fur on all the warm clothes fresh from the dryer.

There would be no one to boop heads with. For some reason, humans just don’t get it.

There would be no one to drink from the toilet, legs splayed.

There would be no one to curl up in the sink to scare the hell out of guests.

There would be no one to look us in the eye and throw up on the carpet.

There would be nothing to fill Amazon boxes after opening.

There would be no one to bring deceased rodents for dinner.

There would be no one to bite us when we’ve become too affectionate.

There would be no one to pee in our cars.

There would be no one to drink our water when we’re not looking.

There would be no one to slap dogs across the face.

There would be no one to jump on the counters and knock things to the floor.

There would be no need for laser lights or shadows.

There would be no one to stare just beyond us, warning us of ghosts.

There would be no one to show us their buttholes on the daily.

There would be no one to start cleaning their genitals while we’re conversing.

There would be no one to unroll the toilet paper and throw it about the bathroom.

There would be no one to lay on the computer.

There would be no one to climb the Christmas tree.

There would be no one to knead our stomach fat.

There would be no lint rollers.

There would be no one for Sheldon Cooper to gift “MeWow” stickers.

And there would be no one to lay on our heads after we’ve gone to sleep keeping us warm, protected and loved all through the night.

Or to wake us up with a paw slap in the face at 5 a.m.

Meow.