Today our favorite table-flipping housewife went to jail. Whaaa? You’re not in the know? Let’s get you up to speed. Check out the video.
Teresa Giudice, our beloved Real Housewife of New Jersey loon, checked into Danbury Correctional Institute at 3 a.m. well ahead of her scheduled reporting time. Her lawyer accompanied her. He says her last words were, “Tell everyone I’m going to be fine.” No lie. Mess with this chick and she pulls out your extensions and flips a table on your prostitute ass.
Photos later in the day feature husband Joe taking the girls to school. Wait a minute—isn’t he driving on a suspended license? No matter, Juicy Joe serves 41 months once Tre comes out.
No doubt Teresa will encounter a few “prostitution whores” during her 15-month stay but Jersey’s biggest badass just might be able to handle it, if she keeps tables firmly planted on the ground and her mouth closed.
We can feel bad, poke fun, say she deserves it (as many are) but ponder for a moment how ill equipped the stereotypical Scottsdale girl would be to deal with Danbury; the site made famous by Orange Is The New Black and now The Adventures of Teresa.
Much like Piper Kerman, Orange’s heroine inmate, Teresa was living a nice life when she fought the law and the law won. Piper’s past came back to haunt her while Teresa’s present snuck up to bite her. She’s serving 15 months for hiding assets in bankruptcy; falsifying loan docs to the tune of five million dollars and basically having all of us support her extravagant lifestyle.
She’s not alone in spending time in cuffs. Martha Stewart served five months in 2004 for obstructing justice and lying about a stock sale. Musician Lauryn Hill and heiress Leona Helmsley went to the pokey for tax evasion.
Among the things she’ll have to give up behind bars: her own bras, underwear, shoes, clothes, earrings and wedding rings with gems. A plain one can accompany her. She can wear makeup and there is a salon—no word on the extensions. Find yourself a Scottsdale socialite who can handle life minus extensions.
She will, however, be strip searched, have to pee in a cup, wear steel-toed work boots and have her cavities checked for drugs. Basically the bend and snap stance taken by The Tempe Twelve. Her clothes will be replaced with elastic band khakis and poly blend button downs. Sunglasses are $1.50 in the commissary so there’s that. She took two hundred dollars with her to put in her account.
I wouldn’t count her out. She’s friendly enough and cooks killer pasta. Perhaps they’ll put her to work in the kitchen and she can use their “ingredients” to make gravy and meatballs for a crowd. What if she whips up Kathy’s cannolis?
Lucky Danbury girls.
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