Let’s Talk Toys Ladies…

Visited the toy store today. Took Contractor girl with me. Good news and bad news. red-apple

Good news: Now I get it. Bad news: Turns out it’s illegal to film in a sex toy shop so you’ll have to don your imagination bonnet and follow my lead. I spent a good deal of time in the BDSM department so I can say with confidence, “Put on your blindfold and follow my words.”

Christine is our guide. A woman more knowledgeable, accepting, kind and good at her job, would be hard to find. She is that good. This girl knows vibrators, whips, spreaders, games, movies and golden pleasure balls like nobody’s business and calm as a cucumber, lets us know what goes where, why and for how long.

Speaking of golden pleasure balls. Remember the little balls that drive Anastasia wild at the wedding in Fifty Shades? I ask to see them right away. Who knows? My husband’s dead. Maybe there is something to walking around with a secret. Not so much. Christine shows us. I stop.

“They’re small. How do they stay up there?”

“You read Fifty Shades,” she smiles knowingly. Turns out they don’t. You can’t actually walk around with them. They do have a fun side but it’s not walking around at the wedding losing your mind like Ana. The kind that are actually big enough are for kegels and anybody whose had a baby knows those are no fun.

Having heard Rabbit lore forever, I finally meet one face to face. Turns out Rabbit is now kind of like Kleenex. Anything that does double duty is referred to as a rabbit. So there’s a jack rabbit, a velveteen rabbit and all flurry of animalia including dolphins. All depends on your preference dolls.

Which takes us to a serious discussion. Did you know that over seventy percent of women cannot, biologically cannot, achieve orgasm without direct clitoral stimulation? That’s a lot of chicks. And a lot of guys, if they’re actually paying attention, who think they’re doing it wrong. Start dancing in the streets, ladies, there’s help. Lots of it. It’s not just the gals. Erectile dysfunction is huge (well, no its not) and can ruin a relationship. While we chicks tend to think it’s about getting it up, it’s more than that. Turns out it’s a soul crusher for men. But, yippee, there’s help for that too. Nope, it’s not a pill.

Christine stresses the key to all of it–trust. Trusting a partner to take the journey with you, to be in tune with what you want, need, like, don’t like. And in that healthy atmosphere of intimacy, really anything goes because it’s about pleasure and caring. So I pick up a flogger and slap my bare leg.

To my surprise, it doesn’t really hurt. It makes a very loud noise which makes me flinch. No pain though. So I slap my leg again harder. And again, even harder. Hmmmm. Am I learning something disturbing about myself? I guess I’m in the right place. I double check my leg–no mark, no welt, nothing like that. Still don’t know that I want a serious flogging. Just simply surprised it didn’t hurt.

Contractor Girl comes from across the store. “Are you whipping yourself?” It would appear so.

Of course, there is the funny. Christine points out what’s popular. There is a remote control bullet–give the remote to whomever you like. A bullet is just what you think it might be. There is magic in Blue Motion Panties. Inside the crotch is a pocket in which is inserted a little thing, only a few inches long, which fits snugly against your girly bits. You wear these to work. He takes the remote to his office.

Through wifi and remote control, he sends love messages throughout the day. So, he texts a saucy little message to you and from across town, hits a button and you scream out in the board room. How much fun is that? Seriously.

We spy an inflatable lube wrestling tub, blindfolds and get a lesson on why having sightless sex is such a turn on–has to do with anticipation and all those other heightened senses. Also, for us girls, we have no idea what he’s looking at so we’re not focused on the size of our ass. Guys really aren’t looking at the size of you ass or your cellulite. They’re too excited that you’re naked.

There are sport sheets with under bed restraint systems, liberator pillows which help in positioning, pleasure tape and a honeymoon bondage kit. Contractor Girl and I find the best game ever; “Who’s The Biggest Slut?” There’s also a guy section where, if we’re taking notes, is less pretty and more graphically visual. It also features one really embarrassed guy when I pick up a flashlight type thing and ask, “Does this feel like a real vagina?” Once a duchess always a duchess.

We ask our new bestie Christine for her most important advice. I listen closely, ready for anything. Here’s what we get. “The more textured the toy and the larger the toy, the more lube you need. And you also need thicker lube.”

Noted. I believe my work here is done.

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