Lessons in Badassery

Got a new job. Finally. At the moment I went to sign the contract, the heavens opened and the angels sang. And a voice from deep inside said, “As God is my witness, I will never be hungry again.” Oh Scarlett, dear, how would I get through a single day without you to comfort me? Really, I’ve never been hungry. In my job search I have been bereft, pissed off and had the longest stretch of time without buying a dress, but I have never been hungry. And I do find great comfort from my dear Scarlett, the ultimate bad ass.

How so you say? Don’t we all wish to rule the world with nothing but our strength and determination? Don’t we all wish we could wrap half the population around our little fingers with one flirty, breathless sentence? Don’t we all wish to be surrounded at the barbecue with adoring suitors? Non? Liar.

Who else could get away with, “Fiddle dee dee. War, war, war. This war talk is spoiling the fun at every party this spring. I get so bored I could scream.” Yes, dear, we feel your pain. If it weren’t for gorgeous dresses made of curtains and hats to festoon our pretty heads, what on earth would we do? And just when we’re sure she’s a silly girl of the highest order, she kicks ass, takes name, rebuilds her home and vows to think about the hard stuff tomorrow.

And one more. What girl hasn’t at one time in her married life wanted to scream at her beloved, “Great balls of fire. Don’t bother me anymore, and don’t call me sugar!”

During my work hiatus, I had lots of time to think and what I thought about was, how, exactly, does one go about becoming a bad ass? How do we get back to the women we dreamed of being before the world tossed us around and made our lives smaller than we ever planned? What happened to the dreams we were so sure of when we were twenty years old professing our futures to our sorority sisters? I am thankful for the struggle. First off, who am I to believe I would live without struggle? Lesson learned. But, without the struggle of widowhood, job loss, the IRS (those asshats remain inhuman) I would not be in search of my inner bad ass.

So in my new life I’m planning on a combination of my dear Scarlett and Claire on House of Cards. Having plenty of time on my hands, I watched the whole season, thank you Netflix, in a day and a half. You haven’t met Claire Underwood? Oh, girlfriend, fix that mistake right now. Drop everything. The whole season is on Netflix. You will be a new girl after falling in love with Claire. Claire is calm, collected, successful and has the best collection of sheath dresses on television. Her power doesn’t stem from money or things. Her power oozes from strength and intelligence. And taking no shit.

Her own husband says, “I love that woman. I love her more than sharks love blood.” And why not? Like all wives, she wields the power to destroy him. Instead, she joins their resources until he decides his career is more important than hers. And she unravels his world a bit, just to remind him not to mess with women. Or spiders. One in the same my friends, one in the same.

I’ve given this a lot of thought. I’ve even devised a list for us. It’s the list of how to become a bad ass.

Tip One: Silly women are just that. Don’t waste your time with their gossip and their bad clothes. They aren’t worth it. And besides, you want the gossip to focus on their jealousy over your success. Licking revenge from one’s fingertips is delicious.

Tip Two: Keep your enemies close. We’ve all heard this one. It’s true. You need to keep an eye on bitches to keep them in line. If you need to, point from your eyes to hers. She’s a bully. She’ll run and hide behind her posse. And you can laugh.

Tip Three: Drink like a man. If anyone’s gonna take advantage, let it be you doll. Practice makes perfect. Start with a dirty martini and work up to straight dark liquor, no rocks. They’ll be stunned you can keep up. And no one will mess with you. You’ll cough and sputter so hone your skills in the privacy of your own home.

Tip Four: A sheath dress is the power suit of today. Curvy enough to show you’re not trying to hide your femininity but nervy enough to send out a go ahead fuck with me vibe. No panty lines and not too tight. Always pair with pointy toe pumps in case you have to kick someone in the nads.

Tip Five: Be the best at your job. Never before has information been so finger tip ready. Read, read, read. And throw in some Fifty Shades just to show you’re current. Word on the street is Chuck Bass is up for the part of Christian. Can you say yummy?

Tip Six: Sharing is for kindergarten. I know, coming from me right? Keep the mystery alive. Let your accomplishments speak louder than anything that might come out of your mouth, including the dark liquor you’re bound to bring back up during your lessons.

Tip Seven: Some people won’t like you. This one is hard to swallow. It will be through no fault of your own–just human nature. But there will come a time when you are so bad ass that chick will be begging to be a part of your inner circle. No, dear, the answer is no.

Tip Eight: Remember to have fun. Smile, laugh, play. Nothing makes people more envious than your happiness. And it’s good for your skin.

Tip Nine: When you don’t feel it, fake it. You’ve got on a great dress, great pumps, your hair and nails are perfect. They’re already intimidated. Go with it. You can figure it out later over cocktails.

Aren’t I tough? Aren’t I bad ass? You bet. I have a board meeting Monday night with the Board from Hell. We’ll see if they make me cry again.

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