Boys Need Lessons…

It’s been asked forever; perhaps since the dawn of mankind. “My God, what do you want?” Don’t pretend you’ve never heard it girlfriend. And don’t dare pretend you haven’t changed your answer a few times. It’s just us girls here. We know the drill.

So what does a woman want? Is there something about everything that isn’t clear? Last time I checked, there wasn’t a woman alive who didn’t want love, security, family (in whatever form that suits her), clothes, pearls–oops that might be just me, shoes, a home and some hot sex.

Oh, and a fulfilling job that pays a ton and European travel every once in a while. Oh, and beautiful skin and hair, getting her nails done and nothing beats a great pedicure. A massage every once in a while is great. Girlfriends–we need girlfriends. Girlfriends are the best. To know she’s beautiful to the man who shares her bed. And a crown, a crown would be good. Wait, or maybe just a tiara. And shoes and pearls, did I mention shoes and pearls?

Of course, we realize we can get these things, the material ones, on our own but they are such delicious gifts. Most of the things we really want don’t come in tiny blue boxes with white bows. They come from inside another–that human connection that women crave; the one that includes communication. We don’t crave a cave. We, instead, crave a stunning room of one’s own with patterned couches, tea, plenty of alcohol and a butler serving on a silver tray. And a cookie in the afternoon. And a hot bath. And quiet. Good Lord, could everyone just tone it down a bit. Can’t a girl have a cookie and cocktail in peace?

So lets say you are a gentlemen and you are baffled as to the needs of your lovely significant other. Do we have a list for that? You know we do. Here’s a primer for keeping your woman happy. Smart boy that you are, you know what that means. You do these things doll and I promise, she’ll keep you humming. Think about it.

Tip One: Lingerie on the floor leading to the boudoir is sexy. Boxers, not so much. After a hot night, I better not be picking your drawers up off the floor. Same goes for laying them on a chair, hanging them on the doorknob (this is lovely by the way) or leaving them on the bathroom floor after your shower. Pick them up. Your woman is amazing-I know she’s got a hamper.

Tip Two: I wont talk during the game if you don’t heave giant sighs or snore during The Notebook. Easier for me, I love football. But, dear boys, you have to suck it up every once in a while and watch a chick flick with feigned interest. You don’t have to love it but don’t be a putz if she does. Take lessons from the leading man, especially if it’s Ryan Gosling. That man does nothing wrong. Follow his lead. Build me a house, wait for me forever, row me around in the rain, take me on the dining room floor. The lessons are there. Watch and learn.

Tip Three: Do the dishes. Clean a toilet. Change a baby. It is a scientific fact that men who do dishes get laid more often. And isn’t that your reason for being? Yes, we also know your interest level. We’re the smarter ones, remember? You want to improve your chances, do the dishes. And that doesn’t mean like a five-year-old where I have to finish the job for you. Do it so I walk in the kitchen and become faint. I may become so faint that I fall and my dress flies up. Advantage you. Also–dont act like you created a new chemical compound. Leave the heavy lifting to the girls. Dishes isn’t that big a deal. We do it three times a day everyday until we are dead. Do the dishes–get laid. Easy.

Tip Four: I dont ever want to know the various stuff your body can do, the noises you can make or the smells you can emit. Not interested ever. Makes me not want your parts anywhere near mine. Never funny. Never amusing. Would you fart (how many ways do I hate that word) openly on a date? I hope you know the correct answer. If not, go back to the basement bedroom at your mom’s house. You aren’t fit for life with a woman other than the blow up variety. Save your boy grossness for your frat brothers and fishing weekend.

Tip Five: On the other hand, if the various stuff your body can do includes mad skills in the bedroom, by all means share. However, if you have Fifty Shades skills it’s best to ease a girl into that shit. Skills will always serve you well and a girl is most appreciative. Skills can even get you out of the doghouse every now and again. We know you are a gentlemen and so you should not have to be reminded: sharing of mad skills away from home is frowned upon and can result in loss of skill privileges.

See? How complex could we possibly be? Just remember, what works for one of us doesn’t work for another. We don’t like rules. We change our minds from day to day. Don’t ever tell us we’re fat. Don’t look at other women. We really don’t want to claw a bitch’s eyes out, but we will. Believe me, we will. Our opinion is the only one that matters. And if we’re pissed off at someone, you are too. Don’t defend your mother to me or your sister, or really any chick for that matter. Oh, and we are the best thing that ever came into your life.

The rules truly are so simple–treat us right and we wont cut up your ties.

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