Muse, Muse, Fashion Muse…

This week’s musings are fashion-minded. As is the habit of any good fashion tramp, stalking the Fall offerings is akin to lazing by the fire. I was so, so happy to see that the new Amour bag, created for PDC, which should be ready in a couple of weeks, is exactly the same color scheme as the new Kate Spade bowler. Kate, good job dear. It is my sincere pleasure to share my ideas with you. There’s room at the top for both of us.

According to experts, fall’s best are as follows. These so-called experts did forget to call me–just letting you know in the interest of full disclosure. So I will make their corrections here. News is both good and bad. There are some disappointments and some unfortunate looks, even for the slimmest amongst us. But there is one bit of news that is so joy-filled, you will find yourself doing the happy dance. Evidently, those in the know have decided that pearls are one of Fall’s mainstays. Insert a mental photo of me taking a bow at this moment. I wore my first pearls, which came from my beloved Grammie when I was five, so it has taken them quite a while to get on board. But they have finally moved beyond steerage. On the other hand, pearls are a fall mainstay? Duh. Pearls are a lady mainstay. As we all know, if you are pearl-less, there is nothing to grasp when feeling distressed.

Pearls, in many colors are being shown both on and off the runway. Perhaps fashion’s highest ups have been secretly stalking me and find themselves unable to buck my trendsetting style after all. The fashion powers that be name pearls as “trend proof.” This is somehow news?

In other good news, pointy toe pumps–an all time fave, girlfriend, are also on the comeback trail. I’m sorry girls but a beautiful sheath dress paired with a clunky heel, the likes of which we’ve seen for the past couple of years, hopefully will be relegated to the don’t basket. It’s as if you take a beautifully elongated silhouette, stick concrete blocks on the bottom and expect it to not drown. Shameful. A pointy toe pump sends a much more refined message. I am style worthy, have a sleek contour regardless of my size and I am fun in the bedroom. A free tip: Keep them on. If you get bored you have something to keep your attention.

There are some misfits on the list. I actually saw a chunky sweater with a dirndl skirt. I shook my head a little as I thought it might be an acid flashback but no, it was real. The sweater was less chunky than the first go round of this look but it was chunky enough to allow no discernible clue as to the gender of the wearer. Mistake. Paired with a dirndl skirt? Puhlease. There is no way this look should make a comeback. We threw those away right after the last time they went out, knowing for certain it was one fashion trend having the good taste to never show it’s unfortunate face again. Much like the Nehru jacket and sandals with socks.

Those in the fashion know are also recommending against bucking the peplum trend just yet. Here’s a news flash powers, no woman worth her fashion salt bought into that one last year. Who the hell adds hip girth? And besides the only place ruffles belong is accentuating the deep vee of a proper ladies neck and the end of sleeves. Certainly not above the widest part of the body. This trend must have been brought back by the hubris of Karl “The Mean” Lagerfeld so he would have more celebrities he could deem “fat.” Asshat.

Here’s another not happening in this fashion house. All black, head to toe with bright shoes. Yes, as in black dress, black tights and a red shoe. Why, oh why, would anyone create the beautiful, well defined, complementary line that only head to toe black can portray and then mar its perfection with a large lump of color at the bottom. Are you Minnie Mouse? This is a no. Perhaps, once, when you’re seventeen because we all have our Go-Gos phase. But not after. And, as we all know ladies, no one should be attempting seventeen at fifty. It’s as foolish as thinking that thirty-year-old won’t notice the age difference. Stop your silliness now. Demi–do you hear me?

The collar is mentioned again. This time it’s referred to as the statement collar, perhaps a nod to the idea that it was being a bit brash to try and overtake our love for statement necklaces and all they have to say. The collar wisely backed off a bit, restructured and renamed itself statement collar. A little bedazzling here and there never hurt a girl. I’m just glad that smart-alecky little upstart learned her lesson.

In other news, Snooki had her baby. God help us all.

That’s all (insert Miranda Priestly’s voice here).

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