It’s Raining Gentlemen…

Grasp your pearls girls. Last night on the Real Housewives, Joe Guidice called his wife a bitch and referred to her as the c-word. Whaaaa? Yup, he went there. I don’t allow too much trash into my life but when it comes to the Real Housewives of Anywhere–it’s my car wreck. I cannot look away. It is the shame of my life; that and the belief that the serving size of Girl Scout cookies is measured in sleeves.

So, this dolt calls his wife a bitch and then says to a caller on the phone, “She’s such a c—.” As we know Teresa flips a mean table. Given her talents, how this man is still standing is a mystery for the ages. As far as I could tell, they were in some sort of wooded area. A branch, large twig anything could have knocked Joe flat on his ass. Teresa, for all her feistiness, did nothing. Which made me think.

Do we need a lesson in how a gentleman treats a lady? Perhaps. So here’s the primer girlfriends. Bottom line–here’s a list of shit a lady simply does not tolerate.

Number One: If a man calls you a filthy name, two things must happen. One, he is no longer your man and two, he must be rendered unable to be any other woman’s man. This is accomplished by removal of said offending tongue or any other appendage that may offer offense.

Number Two: The gentleman pays. I know I know. Women’s rights; yada, yada, yada. The truth is you still make 83 cents to his every dollar. He should pay for the pleasure of your company and dinner. Your company, not your goodies. Goodies are offered freely and are none of my business. I would remind you, though, slutty is as slutty does.

Number Three: Pearls and heels are always appropriate in the bedroom. Sorry, I got carried away by the thought of a lovely dinner, scintillating conversation, blue eyes across the table and empty champagne bottles everywhere.

Number Four: A gentleman comes to the door to pick you up or escorts you to the car if the two of you share an abode. If not, he can sit out there until hell freezes over, which is quite a while in Arizona.

Number Five: A gentleman makes other women jealous of you. If he spends time making you jealous, he’s a child and should be kicked to the curb. So goes the old adage: Any bitch before me was a mistake and any bitch after me is a downgrade.

Number six: If he opens doors for you–the car, the shopping mall, the office–he’s a keeper. The way to ensure this happens is to stand in front of said door making no move to open it. If he does not open it for you, someone else will. Follow that guy to the jewelry counter.

Number Seven: Car maintenance is his responsibility, You don’t have time for such silliness as check engine lights and tire rotation. Same goes for lawn maintenance. The purpose of grass is perfect placement of adirondack chairs while you sip dirty martinis wearing a hat that shades you from the sun.

Number Eight: If he can cook, put a bow on his head and give him to yourself for Christmas. There’s a lot of meals to be made between now and death. Let him do the lion’s share.

Number Nine: If he says he loves your cat, call a priest. By the time he realizes he’s allergic, you’ll be husband and wife and he will be rendered helpless to your charms.

Number Ten: Never, ever share a bathroom. Once you see a man sitting on a commode, sexy times are over. That vision will be seared into your brain and no amount of plucking out your eyeballs will make it go away.

And one more thing. You’re at a party and that tall, lithe beautiful blond seductress is walking through the door. If your man whispers in your ear, “You’re the most beautiful woman in the room,” grab him by the belt, take him home and make him happy he chose you. Do it. Now.