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Living In The Zoom Zeitgeist…

“I said, shut the F— up.” Loud and clear. At work. Zoom room filled with about thirty participants. No telling how many are wearing pants. The expletive, as always, is louder and clearer than the rest of the sentence. The exact source of emittance is unclear.

No matter. It’s nothing we’ve not heard. Just not at work. Our CEO, yep, she was on the call. Always make a good impression right? She apologizes for the disturbance and moves along.

Add it to the blooper reel. Like Jeffrey Toobin.

Jeffrey Toobin is a lawyer, blogger, author and legal analyst for CNN. During Iran–Contra he was associate counsel for the DOJ. He jumped to New Yorker writer in 1993. He joined the legions of men who believe penises are for all to see. On a work Zoom call. Those of us who would cut off a finger with a hatchet to write for the New Yorker think he’s an idiot.

Yet another man sets fire to a career with his penis. Again, the reminder, “Guys! Public penis never turns out well. Public personal time with it doesn’t fly with any boss.” Except CNN. Toobin still finds himself a member of the elite moral high ground.

Countless men sans pants fill the meme universe. Do they not look into the camera for presentation perfection before they say, “Good morning everyone?” Perhaps there is need of a primer. Your wish.

This girl has been known to turn the computer a little to the left of full facial to check the at home background. Do you really want coworkers to know you’ve not done last night’s dishes or have eight punctured k-cups reveal the secret of your levity? Check the background people. Please. I get distracted checking out your books, knick-knacks and desk decor. I do, however, love to guess whether you prefer French Provincial, Transitional or contemporary.

Unfortunately, we now also know the hoarders amongst us. Not always who you’d guess.

There are new dog and cat friends–a Zoom plus. Skittish Tabby runs to make an appearance when he hears my boss’ voice. If he were a child, he might wave and cry out in excitement. My boss has many great qualities but he earns mad props for winning over Skittish Tabby. And he wears pants on Zoom. My boss, not the cat. Although he’d be super cute in pants. The cat, not my boss.

How’s your lighting? I can’t Zoom in the home office. The lighting turns my face yellow. Not sure why. Gave up trying to figure it out. Instead, the dining room with the super cute designer dishes behind me makes a great setup. And lots of comments regarding my dish taste.

How’s your blush? Too much and you look like Baby Jane. Too little and you’re white as Casper. A sweep of Laura Mercier, the no flashback perfection powder, will keep your concealer under wraps. Don’t forget twenty coats of mascara and a red hued lip, giving older teeth a whiter shade. It’s an old lady trick– you’re welcome.

Since you’re female, you generally don’t need to be told to keep your pants on. Or your bra for that matter. Go ahead, dress above the waist. You’ll feel better if you actually don pants, a skirt or, when you’re feeling melancholy for office days gone by, a sheath dress and pearls. On the other hand, it’s another day in COVID land, sweat pants are fine. Just don’t go anywhere looking like that. You know better.

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