It took me any number of days to figure out that PSL and the surrounding hysteria stands for Pumpkin Spice Latte. Yep, I’m that girl. I don’t go to Starbucks. Except for meetings with clients. So somehow I missed whatever this lusciusness is that makes people lose their minds every Fall.
But then I think coffee should taste like coffee. Most of the time I like it with a little milk or creamer and Splenda. Other times I like it black as my heart and eyelashes. Kind of like Agent Dale. I could sit across the table from him sipping black as night java and eating cherry pie until the cows come home. Now there’s a thought for Fall, but whatever.
My stay away from Starbucks started when I first learned the calorie count and made a conscious decision to save those calories for pizza.
I dig deeper into this pumpkin spice thing. Besides candles, which I guess remind people Thanksgiving is on its way, the famed combination is sprouting all over the place. The candle? Meh–some of us don’t think candles should smell like food. Why can’t they just smell like flowers or the ocean or new shoes or a combination of pearls and glitter and the perfect bath. That’s what a candle should smell like; not like the pie your grandma makes. That’s a sacred smell reserved for the special day we give thanks for all the turkey we’re about to eat and say a small prayer we get along with our relatives.
You know a trend has gone too far when it shows up in the oddest places. Turns out, not only are there Pumpkin Spice Cheerios and Oreos and yogurt and various sauces; but the craze has crossed over into the crazy with Greenies dog treats, butter and a different looking fizzy beverage. Should any beverage be burnt orange?
Don’t tell me it’s akin to champagne. I might have to call for my fan.
There is Pumpkin Spice Vegan Protein Powder and PS Kale Chips. Yeah, there’s no sugar or hydrogenated anything in those. Just good pure vegan stuff right from the pumpkin patch and the decorative kale heads meant to be centerpieces. And then I spy, with my little eye, an affront to all society. Pepperidge Farm Pumpkin Spice Milano Cookies. Whaaa? A hand clamps my chest right there in Fry’s. I brace myself holding tight to the shopping cart lest I faint dead away.
As with everything trendy, there comes a point at which we’ve simply gone too far. See through skirts and wedge sneakers I’m talking to you. Just like anything you wore the first time around–Leisure Suits, white shoes, polyester–perhaps it’s best to just say no.
Have a latte if you must. Starbucks can’t stay in business without those who drink five dollar coffee. But please, for the sake of the rest of us keep your pumpkin spice in the privacy of your own home. This is America after all.