It’s All About the Shoes Dahling…

The Huffington Post ran an interesting little piece titled, “23 Trends Guys Hate and Women Love.” Excuse me? Have men forgotten that unless they are gay or a designer or a gay designer, they have diddly squat to say concerning what women wear? Did these gentlemen forget their place? Evidently it slipped their minds that the only appropriate commentary about any woman’s ensemble is, “You look beautiful.”

The list the men created is interesting enough. Some things they hate are actually right on the money; peplums amongst them. Unless you are a size zero and therefore devoid of hip, ass, girth and I hate you, you should not don something adding flappage about the waist and hip. Besides, Kim Kardashian attaches these atrocities to anything she wears from the waist down. Who ever saw a peplum attached to pants before? An attempt at a trend? Fail. You don’t want the trashy to rub off on you, do you?

Boys also report they don’t care for the Isabel Marant sneaker. Let’s hear it for the boys. This shoe offering is meant as a fashionable sneaker one is to wear somewhere other than the gym or hiking. I know–it’s puzzle right? Is there a grown adult woman who might do such a thing? Even lumberjack women wear work boots.

They find bandeau bikini tops, red lipstick and hair bows a “no.” Some clothing is cute in the correct context so guys–wrong again. The boys don’t like red lipstick because it’s going to rub off on them. Well aren’t you Mr. Confidence assuming my well placed kisses will end up on you? Pfft. And, they say, a bandeau bikini top makes a woman’s shoulders look like a linebacker. I bet you’re a little kitten of a man aren’t you? Hair bows are tricky. Are we talking big colorful bows? Unless you’re a cheerleader, a bow is probably out of place. However, a well placed glittery bow locked into a fabulous messy bun is absolutely divine.

There are three things the boys miss the mark upon: high waisted skirts, bangles and pant suits. Let’s examine one at time shall we? High waisted skirts, pencil in shape, are the things of which legend is made. Rethink this choice boys. Take one look at Lauren Bacall in To Have and Have Not and tell us again there is not power in the high waisted skirt. These guys must be playing in the baby pool. Bangles? Guys don’t like the sound of you jangling all about. If you find the jangle of arm candy disturbing then perhaps you’ll find the rest of your girl’s candy equally as sour. Shut your mouth and make a game of taking them off, asshat.

Pant suits can be tricky. A well-tailored suit transforms a woman into a badass of the highest order. Attention must be paid to shape and color. Sherbet colored, ill-tailored, ghastly beasts always come up dowdy. But should you choose a black, slate grey or navy, cuffed wool trouser with a fantastic pump, silk blouse, stunning pearls and a gently nipped waist jacket, you’ll have the Board Room eating out of your hand. And no man alive can resist the allure of a woman in a tuxedo sans the stuffy shirt. The low neck, the perfume, the pearl strands and the perfect coif make your man melt and other women envious. My guess is these men are young, liberal and believe that a woman’s pantsuit is of the Hillary varietal, created with last year’s grapes.

The boys did make one grievous error. They called out pointy toe shoes. Whaaa? I know right? After I fanned myself a bit and grasped my pearls in order to tame the swirl in my head, I poured a little Fireball into a glitter encrusted shot glass and slammed it back to steady myself. The truth is, darling boys, it’s all in the shoe. Make no mistake about it.

How will we seduce you under the table without our pointy toed pump to direct the trajectory of our foot up your leg? How will we steal your eyes from all others in the bar as we enter and you notice our mile long legs, made longer by the cut of a beautifully proportioned pointy toed pump? How will you know we are wild girls at heart if you never spy our leopard print stilettos? And how will we defend ourselves by kicking someone in the nads if all we’re wearing is some repulsive sneaker?

Silly, silly boys. Power is in our shoes. Case in point: Take a rounded toe Mary Jane and a pointy toe Mary Jane. Same strap across the ankle, same gradually tapered heel in the back. Does the round toe not conjure something akin to kindergarten? The pointed toe, however, conjures something quite different, does it not? A certain power as the lady drapes one leg about the other, lifts a single pearl to her mouth and asks the bartender for a dirty martini. You get the picture, don’t lie.

And a flat–oh please. They do serve a certain purpose. To my chagrin I was called out on this critical error. One of my best girls spies photographic evidence from Alabama that on game day I wore a flat sandal. She expresses disappointment and confusion. I explain that having previously spied the front lawn of the fraternity house I could gauge its treachery. Not that the best of us cannot meander cocktail in hand wearing heels, but add occasional grass sinkage and even the best of us may forget to stay on our toes for an entire afternoon.

The biggest reason we need our pointy toe pumps? So we’re at eye level when some silly boy feels free to express ideas about what women should wear. By the way, boys, a loafer will never be a brogue and only one of them will catapult you up the ladder behind my pointy toe pumps. See? It’s all about the shoes dahling.

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