Recent conversation with one of the adopted chickens features exploration of vision boards. Most of the time I can get Baby Chicken to play along with various “Secret” strategies for life. Very rarely does the ever-dubious Middle Chicken play and Oldest Chicken shakes his head, turns on the ball game and pretends he’s not related to the crazy. A certain night this summer, complete with sage and wine, brought out the wishes of all the chicks and the vision board hopes of a sweet little chicken who someday will be a doctor with a heart as big as the ocean.
It is the usual combining of the best girls: Sisterella, Middle Chicken, Baby Chicken, Long Time Bestie, Baby Pea and Little Adopted Medical Chicken. We decide to sage, concentrate on glorious futures and imbue riches of all sorts upon each other. Meantime, Oldest Chicken is in the other room ignoring the calls to join us, occasionally tossing out terms like “freaks” and, “What part of no do you not understand?”
The ladies wish for all sorts of things: career success, smaller asses (that would be me), published books (me again), good grades, riches, love, joy, peace and flat stomachs (we all want that one). Except for Baby Pea who is about the size of a minute and needs wish for nothing concerning body parts–bitch. Oh! And dresses (me), pearls (me), pumps (me). We examine chakras and flow and energy, wish each other well and surround each other with love. And drink wine. And a dirty martini or three. Little Adopted Medical Chicken tells us she is creating a vision board.
We’ve all heard of vision boards. Wait, what–you haven’t? I hate to be a constant quoter of The Secret. Really I don’t–just sometimes you have to be careful of the side eye glances and pretend you’re a non-believer. The Secret is one of the things that keeps me hanging by a thread in the face of widowhood, the IRS and not being able to have my legs waxed anymore. Nothing like telling yourself you’re rich when you’ve lost all your money. Or convincing yourself you’re thin while your ass expands at an alarming rate. Or promising yourself you just won’t think about the negative. Until tomorrow. It’s kind of a Scarlett O’Hara type thing. Vision boards are part of The Secret teaching. It is a big girl art project created to keep things in the forefront of one’s mind. You see, what you think is what you become. Thoughts become things. And wine is not delivered to my doorstep? Hmmm.
It also reminds us to be grateful for all we have. I wasn’t constantly thankful and grateful for my great marriage, frequent mad skills and all the money I needed and look what happened there. Not bitter. Most of the time. Paste a damn smile on your face, hoist up your big girl panties and weather on yes? And make a vision board. You’ve got nothing else to do.
The boards are collections of things, of essences of what one wishes their life to be. The things on my first vision board: photos of books, beautiful bags, gardens to represent beauty always surrounding me, pictures of friends, beautiful bedding, successful children graduating from college. My board now: a picture of bag lady with a big slash through it signifying, “No–this will not happen to me!” A million dollar bill–yes, I know. No such thing exists but a girl can dream non? And, of course, wine; in hopes that I always have enough of the elixir that keeps me alive and a photo of some woman’s small ass; obviously not mine. Every time I sit at my home desk I am reminded that I will not be a drunken old bag lady with a gynormous ass and no money–got it? The idea is you place the vision board in an area where you will see it frequently, focusing your thoughts on what you want in life because what you think about you bring about.
So I figure, why not create the ultimate vision board for all us kickass chicks. Ready? Gather your cork board and find a spot to mount said board where you will see it all the time and surround yourself with the things you love, the things you want, things that represent your goals and your eventual perfect life. Kind of like pinterest come to life to haunt you all the time and remind you of all the shit you don’t have.
Then you must find pictures of your things. In the interest of aiding you, let’s review various things your vision board may need.
1. A photo of yourself without wrinkles. The thought here is that somehow concentrating on your beauty sans wrinkles will keep your face from creasing. Makes sense.
2. A photo of yourself with your twenty-year-old body. If you stare at this one long enough and sear it into your brain, you can eat whatever you like, drink enough wine for an elephant and not gain weight. It’s a vision right?
3. A photo of Ryan Gosling. Again, if you concentrate hard enough, Ryan will knock on the door and ask you to lunch. Over lunch he will tell you he hasn’t felt this way since Rachel McAdams and you are so much hotter than that silly Eva Mendes. Screw the vision board. Run away with this guy. When you drop your Diane Von Furstenberg wrap dress to the floor and he says, “What stretch marks? You silly minx. C’mon over here,” you’ll know your vision is complete.
4. Your dream house. Preferably with a maid and a cook and a garden and a hidden door that leads to a library. And a bar, yes. And a room filled with pearls and pumps and dresses. It’s a house of dreams, am I right?
5. The bitches–with pitchforks through their brains.
6. A ladder–as in corporate. It’s a metaphor for your meteoric rise to the top of your field, whatever that may be doll.
7. Rings, baubles, pearls–do we really need to explain this?
8. Sheath dresses, pencil skirts, gold toe pumps–again really?
9. Grey Goose–because you think things are no big deal until you’re drinking the cheap stuff.
10. The Eiffel Tower, Big Ben and the countryside representing the big three-Paris, London and Tuscany because a girl can dream. And if those dreams include running away and eating great bread so be it.