You Flirty Little Thing…

And another young one is seeking advice. Can you imagine? Who knew there was such a wealth of knowledge to be bandied about? This time it’s
Golf Maddie, a Middle Chicken friend. Her request hits every girl worth her red blooded hotness some time in her young life. The trick is honing your skills so this happens only once. After one fail, you will allow no such thing to happen again and he will end up dangling by your pinkie. What to do when the lovely, muscly coworker who catches your eye does not return the favor? Or, I’m madly in love with this guy and he doesn’t know I’m alive.

Take one step back. He, being a guy and all, may very well not know of your existence. They can be rather dense. First establish whether actual contact has been made or if you, darling, are in a one way notice situation.

Girls, girls, girls. Did we somehow miss the missive on boys need to be hit in the head with a brick. I don’t mean chase him–I would never advise chasing. I am a staunch believer in the old adage: I am the girl, you are the boy. You call me or we don’t talk. Unless I feel like it. But in romance, until he’s hot on my trail, I am not picking up phone, text or tweet. This is not to say, little one, that you must sit back and wait for a foolish young man who doesn’t know his own mind, or your extraordinary gifts, to make a move. What I mean to say is, he is not immune to persuasion. It’s called flirting doll.

In all our haste, we mothers may have forgotten to teach our daughters to flirt effectively. We were so involved in whether they played team sports, got into the best schools and became brain surgeons that we neglected the very attribute that serves us well in any situation. Now, of course, chickens at my house learned at the foot of the master. So entrenched was I in the belief that The Norwegian never cast a side eye at another woman, I flirted with my beloved for twenty seven years. Except when he was an ass. And then it didn’t bother him all that much since I had built him up so much, he was more than secure in his hotness. Pfft. Men. Most of the time it served me well. Not only did I keep other women at bay but I also got my way in just about everything. It is a skill worth mastering. And lucky for all my young friends, Golf Maddie poses the question. Girlfriend–he hasn’t made a move because you haven’t paved the road for him.

Do not mistake my commentary for silliness. I do not mean batting eyelashes. Well, sometimes, the eye thing works. I am talking about what makes flirting successful. A man falls in love with a women because of how he feels when he is with her. Make him feel like a million bucks and he will be your lap dog. It’s easier if you actually like him.

If you know Southern girls, they flirt with everyone. They smile and spread the love with other women, the grocer, the banker, children and most definitely, men. Bow down girls. Those of us not born in Dixie certainly lost out. These girls are masters. Those on the receiving end are swept with the sweet sugar tide and happy to go along. Nothing feels better than being doted on; I don’t care who you are. Mind your grumpy face you. Men, especially the younger variety, are easy. They lap up attention like thirsty puppies. And they believe any rubbish reinforcing belief in their own spectacularity. Now, is this really so hard?

My first question, as I know you personally Golf Maddie, is why would you waste your time on a gentleman who does not recognize your fabulosity? But, alas, sometimes the heart wants what it wants. So is there a list of tips for how to treat a man? Do you really need to ask that question? Here we go:

Tip One: Men are the more sensitive sex. True. Its where their jackassness comes from. They are afraid. Women are stronger emotionally leaving little need to bat his feelings about like a cat with a mouse, unless of course he is misbehaving. Then, by all means, bat his feelings around all you want. You are in the power position. Don’t abuse it. If you recognize you come from a place of power, you are a little nicer. Besides, it’s not men you have to to worry about; it’s the other bitches.

Tip Two: The feminine power women have is neither weak, passive nor submissive. You hold all the cards in your dainty little hand, hopefully ensconced in a plethora of bangles and an MK watch. You decide whether to go to dinner, whether you enjoy it, whether you kiss him goodnight and eventually, I said eventually, whether you sleep with him girlfriend. Don’t make the mistake of handing over the reigns. He may believe he’s in control but we know better.

Tip Three: Flirting is fun. Who doesn’t want to make someone else feel good? Smile, laugh, look him in the eye. Hopefully, they are deep blue pools that pull you in and threaten to drown you and you get all tongue tied. Touch the poor boy. Do you know what it took for him to ask you out, decide to spend his hard earned money on your dinner and lay himself bare for you to abuse? Touch his arm. Hold onto him while you adjust your shoe. Show him he serves a purpose besides picking up the tab.

Tip Four: He pays. Don’t lecture me about going dutch. This isn’t a business meeting. He pays. He opens the door. He holds the umbrella. Don’t be fooled. These are the things he is genetically engineered to want to do. He knows better than to say it aloud but he wants to believe you’re a tiny little thing in need of his help–he’s wired that way. Allow him to think whatever he wants. You know how kickass you really are, leaving no reason for you to prove it, Take the night off and relax.

Tip Five: Hold your own. You are not a pushover and he can never believe it’s okay to treat you as such. Toe the line or give him his marching papers. Same for you darling. Any behavior you would find unacceptable from him–same for you. Don’t sleep with his friend to hurt him. He’ll take it harder than you think.

Tip Six: If he has deeper feelings for you than you do for him–stop it. If it’s going nowhere, let him down easy. Once they get attached they are like barnacles. They are nearly impossible to scrape off.

But, alas, what if you truly do like him more than he likes you? As you walk away in your pumps, curls and perfectly fitted sheath, look back over your shoulder, swing your hair, smile and keep walking. You can say whatever you like under your breath but don’t let him see. There are, my dear, other fish in the sea and many of them are downright delicious.

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