Egads–Pearls Have Been Attacked!

Moot Court started last weekend. Never heard of it? It’s a big deal in law school. Students get a case prompt and then research and argue it, over and over, in rounds, until only two remain fighting to the death for the honor of Moot Court Boss. Middle Chicken finished in the top eight, quite a feat, but in the argument that spelled her doom, a female panelist noted that perhaps in the future Middle Chicken should not come to court so “flashy.” Flashy? Middle Chicken has little propensity for flash. If anyone in this family is over the top, it most certainly is not of the chicken variety.

In court, Middle Chicken wore a khaki pencil skirt, pumps, cream colored blouse and pearls. And her glasses. Bitch-please. You think that’s flashy? We are talking about my progeny. Middle chicken can glam it up like no other and this granola has the nerve to tell her to tone it down? Judgey Girl added that the “necklace” was too much. Necklace? It is not a “necklace.” It is a string, or strand, of pearls. Girlfriend. Said necklace was a gift from the Santa of exquisite taste this Christmas past and is of the glorious double strand variety. Too much? Pearls? Excuse me? Did you attend the Hillary Clinton School of Fashion. You know, the one that teaches anything more than a drab ill-fitting pant suit, no makeup and greasy hair makes you stupid?

I am calling out the girls crying fowl about being judged by the their clothing. Do we really need to look farther than Lena Dunham’s success for proof? Shut your mouth and sit. ‘Cuz the bottom line is, no bitches are more high and mighty than the those who refuse to dress properly. And for all your outcry, guess what? We don’t care. Stop acting as if you’re persecuted by fashionistas. We don’t persecute. We feel sorry for you. You wear your laziness as a badge of superior brain power because you can’t be bothered with such frivolity? Pfft. What you are really saying is that you have so little regard for those you will encounter that you choose, in this arena, to do less than your best.

Is less than your best okay in a job interview? Is less than your best okay when performing your job, taking your SATs or on the campaign trail? Where is it written in the feminist annals that we all must conform to the single minded silliness that girls who dress are silly themselves? Looking like you just rolled out of bed does not equal you working harder than me, getting less sleep or rocking a great job. Stop your nonsense this instant. I could care less what you wear–it’s your choice to tell the world you don’t give a damn. What I do care about is the negative shot taken at women who choose manners, stockings, beautiful pumps and sheath dresses. Or fitted pants with glorious houndstooth sweaters and silk scarves. Or a scrumptious flannel trouser paired with a silk blouse and a divine jacket.

You spend your time minding my business and I spend mine hunting bargains at Marshall’s. And you are the superior human being? The idea that a woman’s appearance is judged more harshly by men is bullshit I’m calling out as well. Who is mean to women? Who holds women back? Who makes snide remarks behind the backs of colleagues? It’s women. And most often the ones with the worst outfits. The rest of us are too busy admiring each other’s taste and squealing, “Where did you get that?” If you don’t care about fashion that’s fine. Don’t use your judgement as an excuse to slam those who don’t share your opinion. I dress up everyday–for me. It makes me feel better. It gives me the suit of armour I need to deal with snarky bitches.

Fashion is not your deal. I get it. What I don’t get is your right to decide that fashion can’t be anybody’s deal. I don’t want to fly fish or eat steak. But I could give a rat’s ass if you do. And I do not think for one second because I don’t that you shouldn’t be able to either. We are a country made up of freedoms, all kinds of them. And one given to me in the Constitution is the right to wear pearls and sheath dresses and to a pass that proud tradition on to my daughter.

I read yesterday that men are creating a picture of what “feminine” is in the workplace. Shouldn’t that picture be as varied as all women? And shouldn’t it be women backing each other in whatever they choose to wear? We don’t hold men to the same standard? Really. Have you not heard the Chris Christie jokes? When Rosie O’Donnell couldn’t come up with anything more substantive she took to making fun of Donald Trump’s hair. The guy may be an asshat, but according to all good Hillary worshippers, hair is off limits non? How about making fun of Boehner’s crying–makes you wonder if the guy’s got the chops, but making fun appears to be an equal opportunity roast.

Clothing is like manners. It’s just a simple nod to whomever you will see today. In Moot Court, Middle Chicken was going to see DC judges. By the way, Judgey Girl wasn’t an actual judge. She was a higher level law student–you know, an expert and all. Why would it not be appropriate to be dressed up in an American courtroom defending a case previously overturned by an appellate court representing the government of the United States. I, for one, can’t think of a more appropriate time for pearls. You?

As for the pearls, after my heart palpitations stopped, I felt sorry for poor girl. Obviously she was born without a mother and raised by wolves. Wolves don’t wear pearls as lady wolves do a fair amount of the hunting and they get blood splattered when carcasses are ripped apart. All that picking carnage out of pearl knots is tricky business.

Getting nicely dressed is not an assault on feminism. It just makes the world a little nicer. And pearls solve all sorts of problems, even the non-PC ones. Those of us with manners need something to grasp when you’re pissing us off.