Real News…Really

You can no longer buy human skulls on ebay. Damn. It’s just one thing crossing my desk this week. Want more?

People had to be asked not to search for Pokemon in the Holocaust Museum. Really? Do they not have mothers? Two men in California fell off a cliff searching for the elusive little creatures. The pair told authorities they became distracted. Because why else would not one, but two guys, walk off a cliff?
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Kim Kardashian made forty-five million from her app last year. The saddest part is this is a girl who gained fame filming a body part that, for most of us, never sees the light of day. The decline of the human race is upon us.

Gordon Ramsay Sex Dwarf Eaten by A Badger. Actual headline. Actual no words.

A woman in Australia came home to find a koala bear dancing on the stripper pole in her home. For most, the greatest day ever would be to return home to find a koala doing anything. If the woman had no stripper pole, perhaps he would have just been watching Netflix eating cereal.

A Missouri couple was arrested after they stole a riding lawn mower. Not that big a deal? They were riding around town aboard the mower…naked. Frolicking naked in the pool; get it. Letting the wind fly through your naughty bits on a riding mower; not so much.

Seems a groom took his vows literally. As he listened to his bride say, “In sickness and in health,” he barfed. No worries. It was a beach wedding. Much like the janitor in grade school, some sand was sprinkled over the mess and the vows continued. Wonder what happens when he gets a cold. Pfft.

A giant lizard meandered into a Tesco warehouse. Customers ran from the store, screaming. The lizard, looking puzzled, was heard to say, “Rude.”

A New Hampshire polling place featured an interesting guest—a 600-pound pig who hung around for hours. Election workers said he did not cast a vote. He, too, could not pick the lesser of two evils so he hung around outside hoping for divine intervention or Ashton Kutcher to tell him he was, in fact, being punked.

Have a blessedly uninteresting day. No public nakedness. No filmed nakedness. No human skulls to purchase. And no sex dwarfs eaten by forest creatures. A koala break-in is okay. Especially if he’s watching Netflix eating cereal.

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