Yoga Is On The Menu…

Yoga is on the menu this week. It’s an attempt to say yes, (remember Shonda’s challenge for the year?) and to wrestle back control from cancer, the gift that keeps on giving. So far she’s stolen some of my hearing, my butt and my boobs, not to mention a year of my life and all the Pinot Noir that did not get consumed in 2015. Bitch.
Dr. H tells me my hearing loss is not going to correct itself, as is sometimes the case when caused by chemotherapy drugs. So hearing aids are in order. Just in case barfing in public, a flat chest and Rip Van Winkle sleep at a moment’s notice aren’t enough embarrassment. I now get to cup my hand around my ear and say, “pardon me?” fifty times and blast the radio not because I’m too cool for school. Pfft.

Yoga comes to me in a dream. It will make you feel better. Perhaps I can, think I. I come across yoga right on my television—no lie. If you have Cox, look it up in the TV home and health section. Just right—I don’t have to go anywhere. My flat ass and I can manage this in the privacy of the living room.

It’s Kundalini yoga known as “the yoga of awareness.” It involves not just physical exercise but meditation, mantra and breathing techniques. Evidently, it’s going to help clear my chakras and make the wheels of energy throughout by body hum at top speed. Speaking of hum, the best mantra for the throat and mouth chakra is HUM, pronounced, “hoom.” I figure a little hooming never hurt anybody so I give it a try.

Right up front, I love the teacher’s outfit. I want it. It distracts me so much and for so long, I must start again. It’s loose and billowy and cute enough to wear to the grocery store after I finish. Where to buy is not in the end credits.

I do all right with the stretches. Gus-Gus grumbles over tummy stretches but I have past the point of concern for his well-being. I just want my ass back. And my boobs. And some muscle tone in my straggly arms. And my thighs to settle the hell down. Good god, you guys, where is it you think you’re going?

While I hoom to save my soul, I do feel better. I am, however, having a little trouble with right and left nostril breathing. I master dragon breathing and feel the spurt of energy it elicits but breathing from one side or the other? Hmmmm.

As for meditation, stillness is always a problem. First one crossed leg fidgets of its own accord and then the other. My fingers, shaped into an “o,” begin forming an opening and closing “o” just for fun. Hooming brings me back to present and I search for my third eye. No matter how many chakras I consult, I can’t seem to find the one that’s linked to bestsellers and millions of dollars.

Feeling better and stronger is the purpose. Kundalini does this. I attempt all day to sustain a presence of the moment feeling and breathe deeply. The plan is to keep it up. Remember, dolls, we’re saying yes to new things in our lives. Meantime, I have to find that chick’s outfit.

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