Roll Tide Gaga…

Bama won the championship and all is right with the world. The only thing that comes close is Lady Gaga’s dress the night before at the Golden Globes. It’s kind of like Real Housewives, fashion shows, shoes and pearls all rolled up and presented in a lovely box festooned with a perfect bow.
Gaga and Derrick Henry for instance. Hair choices are amazing for both. He won the Heisman and she won a Golden Globe. She plays a countess vampire and he can suck the lifeblood from any opponent trying to take him down.
We can’t watch Gaga on Wednesday nights because American Horror Story is just too scary right before bed. We can’t watch The Tide when the score is close. Thoughts of final seconds field goals flood the memory.

Savior Saban collects championships much the same as James March collects mementos of murders depicting the Ten Commandments. It leaves us to ponder: Should we really be worshipping at the altar of football and Netflix or should we instead be putting that time to better use? Pffft. The answer is clear. Roll Tide.

Judging dresses at the Golden Globes is much like deciphering Lane Kiffin’s behind the paper machinations or the sideline antics of SEC coaches as they struggle to unravel the Bama stranglehold. They are indeed caught in a fishnet—struggle as they might the net casts wider and tighter. Advice? Stop fighting and give in to being swept away by The Tide.

Same advice to the swept away starlets. A neckline to the waist is so over girls. Do you not remember JLo’s Versace? It wasn’t high-class the first time around. Anytime you have to tape your dress to your boobs you should probably rethink your choice. Breasts, unless they’re feeding babies, should stay under wraps. The exception comes with a hint of cleavage in a vintage gown or as an appetizer at your anniversary dinner. Did you never read Miss Manners or Emily Post? You probably don’t know that’s a fish fork either.

As for Gaga’s dress: a finer thing has yet to be created. Simple, sophisticated and old world much like the simple crimson and white of The Tide. No need for sixty-four combinations ala Oregon or metallic helmets. These boys are working not walking the runway. Saban’s white sideline jacket? So classic, Oldest Chicken found it deposited under the tree. Santa knows how to make a young man look his best.

So what’s a girl to do when the season’s over? Both college ball and AHS close out this week. Perhaps our time is better spent working, helping others and making a difference in the world. Or perhaps, a sly smile creeps across our faces when we realize House of Cards is less than a month away. Badass Claire, is that you?

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