Important News…

Don’t you get tired of watching Hillary don royal blue pant suits, stiltedly dance and point at imaginary friends in the crowd when there is actual real, important news out there?

A woman in Omaha broke into a zoo to pet a tiger. Can someone guess what happens next? The tiger nearly bites her hand off, as carnivores are known to do with human flesh presented them. Evidently she suffered “severe trauma” to her hand and the Omaha police remind the public, “Just in case you had any doubt…if you pet a tiger you will most likely get bit.”
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This just in: It was hours after the Halloween celebration in Omaha and the woman was inebriated. You think?

In Austria a grandmother, on her deathbed, cut up one million dollars in cash to keep her family from inheriting the money. Whaaa? She’s a grandma. Jump on her and grab the scissors. Ain’t no grandma I couldn’t overpower for a million large.

ShitExpress is a company in Hong Kong that happily sends piles of crap to whomever you’d like. They suggest an annoying co-worker, a teacher, girlfriend, tyrannical boss or a jealous neighbor. A teacher? They already are amongst the most picked upon. Don’t send them shit. They already have their fill putting up with your offspring. A jealous neighbor? Where the hell do you live? If your neighbor deserves a pile of shit gift-wrapped it might be time to consider a move, non?

They made ten thousand dollars in their first month of business. That’s a lot of shit. They do have a disclaimer. “This gag should not be used to harass, intimidate or violate a restraining order.” What makes us think the guys who came up with this might have a few of those in their back pockets?

The Chinese evidently have a love affair with American stuff. Among their favorites, according to a survey, McDonalds, KFC and Hooters. They also like Budweiser, Subway and all things apple. So much so that they invented apple iPhone Six body lotion. KFC and Dominos are delivered by moped and food can also be purchased from drivers on the street. I think they’re onto something with that.

They also enjoy Ronald McDonald and pose with him, big smiles upon their faces. Evidently they don’t know that in America he is the thing of which nightmares are made. They also note that McDonalds is an alternative to the donkey meat store which recently had a problem securing donkey meat and so substituted fox, making for quite the uproar since everyone knows fox meat doesn’t taste a thing like donkey. Pfft.

Snakes are on the move in the East. In Philly a man boarded a bus with his four-foot long reptile pal and it got loose. Caused a little hysteria. Caught the snake and all is well. Although there have been reports of a spike in train use.

In Hartford, a woman woke up, wandered bleary eyed into her kitchen to face a three-foot python having coffee. No he wasn’t having coffee but he did make himself at home. She found out later, after animal control came for the slitherer, named Bertha, that Bertha is in fact a neighbor who lives one street over. She just wanted to borrow a cup of sugar. Jeez.

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