Lazy Friday afternoons when there’s been nothing but lackluster performances in the political debates leave me wondering. Why is lying in bed watching Netflix not a profession? I would be CEO.
As CEO of Netflix Watching, I will first gather all my besties together and insist they don Nick and Nora flannel jammies in outrageous colors and patterns two sizes too big. They’re not for sleeping, way too hot. They are for laying about watching Netflix. I would teach the dolls the fine art of a scrunchie bun atop the head and a pair of thick white socks upon their feet.
I would put a couple of best girls on RomCom duty, forcing them to watch Love Actually, 27 Dresses, Sleepless In Seattle and The Philadelphia Story all in an afternoon and report back to me.
The importance of this: to study human interaction from the female side only. And to discuss the costuming. And to copy the jewelry, shoes and hairstyles.
Some of my employees may not be all that interested in RomCom. They make up the Documentary Department. In addition to comfy jams and hair atop head, they need glasses and fine wine in order to feel as highbrow as their intellect. What do they need to watch? Easy peasey. Hands down, Ethel is the best documentary of the past couple of years. It’s all about Ethel Kennedy and the aftermath of JFK and Bobby’s death.
Others they can’t miss? Stevie Nicks: In Your Dreams, History of the Eagles, Salinger and Advanced Style. That ought to fill their heads to exploding. Also that recent one on Scientology. Scary shit.
For the Drama Department–girls you know who you are—House of Cards, Californication, and Bloodline will fill weeks of work hours. And fill your brains with so many ideas of how to run the world, run your life and keep yourself out of jail.
And then there are the humor girls. The girls for whom RomComs are a romp but Bridesmaids is meaty substance. These girls come to work makeup free, use fuck like a comma and haven’t gotten out of those jams for a week. And, yep, they are the most fun to hang with. Their office if filled with howling laughter and girls telling fart jokes. They count amongst their favorites: the comedy of Iliza Shlesinger and Amy Shumer, Jackass, Dumb and Dumber and Clerks.
And then there is the Dark Department. These are the girls who travel right on the line. One really doesn’t want to know what’s going on in their heads. These employees are carefully chosen and no one tells them what to wear to work. We often hear strange noises come from their office with an occasional, “Oh No He Din’t.” Resist the urge to enter. You might not like what you see.
These girls make a study of American Horror Story, Shameless, Twin Peaks and the first year of True Detective.
So for those dolls out there looking for work, opportunities are endless. The office is open seven days a week and we are an equal opportunity workplace. Don’t forget your jams.