Get Your Cabbage On…

Lamentation ladies. Super Bowl has come and gone. For those of us who adore football, it signals the real end to the holiday season. Although we may never recover from the Bama loss and may hate Ohio State until we die, it’s time to jolt ourselves back into reality and back on some sort of healthy track.

Probably the last thing you want to hear the day after the big game, non? Does your head hurt

a wee bit? No matter. It can only get worse. Yep, we’re going there. It’s time for good bacteria and enzymes with every meal, including fermented cabbage, Bulgarian yogurt and organic cherry juice.

Because the ass spread, at least on this girl, has got to stop. I bring this up to The Fixer, innocently, in a business meeting. You know like you do. Mistake. The Bulgarian takes over and lectures how many times has she spoken of exercise, mindful eating and taking proper care of our health? And how many times have I listened? She’s right. It is now February and time to pay the piper.

Cabbage isolated on white background

First up; fermented cabbage. Whaaa? I know, right? In America, it’s sauerkraut; but not just any old sauerkraut. It’s got to be actually fermented, not just soaked in salt and set on the shelf. What you’re looking for is finely shredded cabbage, mixed with salt, sealed tight and left to ferment. Seriously? Turns out she’s right. Is the witch ever wrong?

It’s beneficial in the normalization of intestinal flora (that’s us ladies—take my word for it), improves immunity and inhibits growth of disease-causing organisms. The list of vitamins? A, B1, B2, B3, B6, C, E and minerals Manganese, Calcium and Potassium. You can buy it in the health food store or, according to lore, make it yourself. Like that’s gonna happen. Pfft.

Next up to your health, well bring and ass tightening is organic cherry juice. Here’s why: antioxidants. The scoop?  Free radicals are toxins. We get them from the environment, by-products of digestion or drugs, and they cause disease. Basically they steal from healthy cells creating unhealthy ones, which leads to sickness. Antioxidants to the rescue. Get it? Cherries, it turns out, contain 17 killer antioxidants. And, unlike the cabbage thing, this one may be easier to get down.

Finally, my witch friend insists that Bulgarian yogurt is an elixir of the gods. Two spoonfuls with every meal ensures you get healthy bacteria and enzymes with every meal. And, here it comes: salads should make the majority of those meals. I knew it. And she goes back to exercise, and sauna, if there’s access.

“You’ve got to sweat,” she tells me, all Bulgarian excited. “You must. You must.” My brain screams, “But sweating is not my favorite.” We laugh and think of other ways to work up a sweat.

The she adds the death knell. “This is not for a while. This is for life!. You want to be healthy or not?”

The time has come. Football is over. Girlfriends, get to the health food store. I’ll see you there. I’ll be the one with the long face and the cart full of veggies.

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