Coffee and Penises…

Sometime in the middle of the night…

Two oddities are passed to me yesterday; bulletproof coffee and high heels for penises. Can I get a “hmmm” on both?

duchess diaries, penises and coffee

Research on bulletproof coffee comes up mixed. Some claim nectar of the gods, improving clarity, function and weight loss to boot. Others claim fat download directly to the heart and oil slick on the lips. Whaaaa?

Bulletproof coffee is, are you ready, coffee with butter and oil. Say again? Yep, butter and oil. Middle Chicken sends a text: “For the blog, you should do a trial run of bulletproof coffee. Google It.” I say okay.

She: “Well, you’re going to hate it but you should try it with butter and then do one with coconut oil.”

Me: “WTF? No.”

She “BAHAHAHA. Told you.”

Me: “Not happening but could be funny.”

She: “Definitely.”

Seems one takes coffee, not regular coffee but coffee with some of the good shit washed away so its extra turbo-fueled or something. Then add globs of butter and some special oil. As a sign of the cross believer in butter belonging only on crusty bread fresh from the oven, I am flummoxed as to butter added to ingestible drinks, except in toddy form, which is pretty gross too. The throat contracts a bit.

Then I read the results include unbridled energy, weight loss and focused concentration—my three wishes every year when I sit upon Santa’s lap. Some people wish for toys, furs and diamonds. I wish to haul my ass out of bed and accomplish shit. With energy. And a smile on my face. And increased advertising. And a bestselling book. So my brain says, can I melt globs of butter into my beloved coffee in exchange for my desired trifecta?

My general whoredom for anything generating weight loss without exercise screams, “You bet.” But since today is write in your pajamas day, it will have to wait until tomorrow. I’ll keep you posted.

Contractor Girl sends this email: “Blog material?” How she came across this little bundle of fun one can only guess. She does have a new friend of the opposite species but adheres to The Fixer imposed ninety-day rule. Perhaps she has d*** on the brain. Whatever. I take a peek. You can too.

The offering, from Buzzfeed, our favorite day waster, features, “The 15 Best High Heels For Your Penis.” Yep, you read correctly. There is a warning. “This is literally pictures of penises in high heels. LITERALLY. NSFW.” Photos come from or are reprinted on tumbler’s, “Your Dick Looks Great in Those Heels” Not clear who is first, last or claims ownership. I only know those of us who love shoes more than life wonder what your filthy junk is doing trying to steal the spotlight. Asshat.

We all know boys are proud of their protrusion; much like girls with purchased boobs. But put your dick in this girl’s shoes and there will be hell to pay. The only one wearing heels to bed in this house is me. Pfft.

If you must look, the link is here. Remember, my dolls, you and your shoes cannot unsee this.

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