This gem comes across the facebook feed, “How to Meditate in One Minute.” It’s a video. Some of us long to meditate. We pray for relaxation. We yearn for the peace of mind exemplified by the Dalai Lama, Oprah and that girl from Eat, Pray, Love.
Perhaps we try too hard. Maybe one minute is the trick. Instructions begin the same. “Sit, centered, closed eyes,” says the leader.
And my ass says, “Is the fat supposed to be behind the butt bones on the floor or do you sit right on the padding?”
And my legs say, “Is there a purpose to being cross-legged? What if you’re really old, like a hundred, and can’t get them crossed?”
My back responds, “Stretch me out just a little. Lean way forward. Is that a kink in my neck?”
And my feet say, “Circle your ankles. Pull that little piggy toe back just a little. Scrunch and un-scrunch your toes. I think I’ll wear the tan and black spectator pumps today. You know, the ones with the laces up the back. They’re so cute. I love those shoes.”
My neck calls out, “Hey, will you stretch me out a squidge?”
“Deep breath in,” instructs Zen Master in hushed tones. He’s already gone, entranced in his own voice. “Take the breath into your lungs. Feel them expand. Take the breath all the way in.”
And my throat says, “Do I need some water? I might be a tad dry. Water. With or without ice? They say ice gives metabolism a little boost. I don’t know—warm with lemon is really soothing. Maybe that’s better for meditation.”
And my chest says, “Are those my lungs? How do people actually feel their lungs and why can’t I feel each one of them individually? Wait, maybe only one works. It does feel as if I’m only breathing on one side. Wait, try to fill the other one. See if that works. Are they full? Both of them? Are they expanded? Shouldn’t that make my boobs bigger?”
And my middle section says, “Is that a full breath? Am I holding it long enough? Shouldn’t it make my stomach expand, like a food baby? If my stomach muscles let go, will I regain that muscle memory? No, no breath into my belly. I choose flat. Can you take a deep breath and curve the tummy in?”
“Be aware of your breath,” he says. “Feel your breathing. Stay in the present. Be aware of sensations in your body.”
And my stomach says, “Am I pushing the breath out enough? Is it all the way expelled? Am I empty enough to begin again? Can I expel breath all day long to make myself appear sunken?”
“Focus on your breathing, in and out, deep and exhilarating.”
And my nose says, “Am I clear enough for deepest breaths? I am a little stuffy. Maybe I should blow. Is it allergies? It might be. Everyone says it’s the olive trees. I don’t know. They are really pretty. And they look great in arrangements if you cut them just right.”
My head says, “Twist me a little to the left and right just so I get stretched ok? Am I really big? The chickens say we have big heads. I hope not like Guiliana Rancic big. That would be bad. Although I could go for some of her skinny. That would rock. I could wear whatever I want. Did you see E! News last night she wore shorts. WTF? Be a professional, girl.”
My arms think it might be a good idea to stretch behind and overhead. I wonder how Jennifer Aniston gets those arms. I doubt its simple stretches.
“Now one more deep cleansing breath and release, letting all stress leave your body.”
My brain interrupts, “Oh shit, I have to finish the blog before work. The cats need to be fed. Did I turn the curlers on? What time is that presentation? I think I’m supposed to have dinner with Sisterella after work. Oh, don’t forget to pick up toothpaste. And blush, that bronzy kind. And pay the credit card bill. Oh, and get some tanner. Look at those pasty white legs. Pfft.”
Thank God I had that one minute meditation. So relaxing…