All The News That’s Fit To Print…

There was actual news in the past few days. We possibly captured the guy behind the Benghazi attacks. The United States soccer team finally, thank Baby Jesus, beat Ghana at the World Cup. And Baghdad could use our help. Who could’ve have seen that coming?

My brain, however, is obsessing over the ridiculous. Some days the greatest comfort comes in not being someone else. Or that your foibles don’t go public. Unless embarrassing shit goes out at your own hand. Irony not lost on me.

Today, I am especially glad I’m not the Florida man so large marijuana is found in his fat folds. When pulled over for not wearing a seat belt, he tells the officer the seat belt simply won’t go round his belly. What else to do with all that blubber? Insert illegal drugs of course. Duh. In addition to just under an ounce (Idiot–go big or go home.) cops find cocaine, a handgun and $7000 in a tube sock. Do people still wear those? Oh, and he is being charged with the original crime–not wearing a seat belt. When asked his name? “Biggie” aka “Fat Boy.” How about “Asshat?”

The LA Kings, again thanks to Sweet Baby Jesus, defeated the Rangers for the Stanley Cup. In true LA fashion, a fashionista decides it might be a good idea to walk across the ice in heels. Oh doll–where is your mother? Fashionista falls, bouncing off her face. Treacherous. She gets up, with help from the only gentleman in the whole damn arena, adjusts her skirt and walks away like a boss. Good job doll. The skirt was a bit short for such a high shoe, teetering on that fine line between whore and Jennifer Lopez. Longer skirt or shorter heel. Lesson for the day.

Gwyneth the Obnoxious is un-un-coupling from husband Chris Whatever from that band no one cares about. Can we just point out that he is participating in all this nonsense? Asshat times two.

Kim K went out without her shirt last night. Again. We get it. You bought breasts. Now put those damn things way. They will never make you relevant. Bastion of tact, Miss Kim also supposedly told the nanny that North Star is a prettier baby than Blue Ivy. Delusional bitch. Neither one of those babies is as cute as my kids. Pfft.

Miss Nevada can’t name the capitol of Nevada. But it’s a scholarship program.

In important news, Baby Chicken had a nightmare last night. She awoke screeching that someone was outside the window. When Middle Chicken asked if she was awake, Baby Chicken considered, said no, and went back to sleep. Lesson? Don’t let your children watch The Conjuring no matter how old they are.

That is all.

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