Here We Go…

I saw something on Pinterest this weekend–how many great conversations begin with that statement hmm? There was a split screen–one side was Audrey Hepburn (le sigh–can I please go to sleep tonight and wake tomorrow with that lithe figure, melodic voice and compassion for other humans?) and on the other side was a picture of Snooki of Jersey Shore fame. And the caption read, “What ever happened to women?” Can I get an amen sisters? True that. Alleluia, Praise the Lord! When the hell did a hot mess like that become an example of anything but a “don’t” in the back of Glamour.

Something has gone terribly awry in the state of fashion and general upkeep. I thought we saw the epitome of tastelessness when grown women allowed the largesse of their backsides to be labeled, “Juicy.” No, I am wrong. We have hit bottom, though. There is no lower than we are at present. Sweatpants at work. Wal-Mart couture everywhere. Don’t pat yourself on the back if we are only subjected to your errant thong at the grocery store. Girlfriend–I don’t ever want to be reminded that something is shoved in your crack. Exposed tummies of women well over 25 not standing knee-deep in the ocean. Allowing someone besides your intimate partner know that a part of your self is vejazzled, excuse me? Boobs pumped to the point of poppage. Are you trying to make yourself a caricature? Don’t you like being human?

I am here to rescue you–and you need rescuing doll. I can show you, with illustrations, what a real dress looks like, how to keep your boobs in your shirt at all times and how to wear makeup that is not a cross between hot tranny, KISS and Courtney Love. I can convince you that looking good is not about having a lot of money and that shoes can change your life.

Close your eyes, tap your ruby kitten heels (you have a pair, non?) together and wish for a world in which we all look our best, have impeccable manners and wear pearls with everything. Love ya dolls!